BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-09-15
It's 6am in the morning – rainy + foggy outside but bright + clear inside this head of mine. I had a pretty amazing God moment/higher power moment. Woke up at 5:30am and for some reason – picked up an article on the bookshelve[sic] – wasn't visible just in one of those slots. Was going to read the “Judy Collins” article but instead was drawn to an article wrote by “David Black” Not only did he has[sic] the same DOC as me but he said a few things that have resonated with me more than most. He also used like I had. Poignant Advice – “My drug addiction was meant to turn down that kind of intensity. Whether it's intense joy or intense involvement in working.” “Part of it was the intensity – which sometimes is the intolerable burden of consciousness” – it's too much! “I didn't give up on myself.” “I knew that there would be times when I really wanted to use, but I could decide not to.” “Now I am aware of the experience of suddenly having a silence when the reality floods in everyday. It gave me a model for experiencing the world in a way that the intensity, instead of being threatening, becomes joy producing, physiologically. Joy, + anxiety + excitement + fear – physiologically – the same neurology is going on. It's just that our interpretation differs. We describe it to ourselves as one thing or another so I'm learning more + more how to describe that feeling not as anxiety or fear – but as joy.” You can feel it as joy most when you are moving in the same direction that God is moving in the world.” When in opposition it feels like fear + anxiety. When you're moving in the right direction it feels like joy + Bliss” – David Black I am feeling intense sadness/ feeling homesick + interestingly I only have 3 more nights and two more days. I may ask if I can leave + go home on Tuesday evening – not too sure I should push it or request it. What's a few more hours although would be so nice to go home. I think it's due to me not smoking – dopamine levels have plummeted. They say that day # 3 is the hardest. Although I want to look it up on the internet. Feelings – those mother fuckers! I think I'm going to ask to leave on Tuesday morning/ afternoon. Or maybe I stay thru Wednesday? Going to give it up to a higher power + ask that the right answer come along... Kevin Lenane – ree no – what was the fucking point – it was too good to be true. He fucked around with my heart + totally used me – He loved his wife the entire time. I blocked it out – I used b/c of him + need to get honest about that with someone. I don't think I realized the pain that was caused today. Funny how things surface. It's been a long while since I have been sober for 14 days. 4,5,6,7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 1 2 3 27
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | -0.0065258342019445 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0 |
| Sadness | 0.42532700774235 |
| Fear | 0.55307240055998 |
| Anger | 0.36797841646836 |
| Surprise | 0.28386853611248 |
| Disgust | 0.0096625619642832 |
| Key Words | |
| anxiety going used day ask just thing intense world power | |
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