BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-09-04
Second day – now on unit. All the women are lovely + staff has been great. Feeling anxious as tonight is first debate on climate change. Feeling horrible about what I put/stress I just put my dad through. The idea of being 100% sober is appealing to me but foreign. My life sober – what does that look like? Productive, joy, healthy, purpose, passion. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 T W Th F S S M T W Th F I don't want to be here long – 14 days feels right but will have to see how that goes. AHA moment decided to use – accomplished something. No longer feel helpless could, would, take action that make me feel better. Being in control, when so many things feel out of my control Relieved when make initial decision 14 15 16 S S M Husband – feeling no agency; no say; avoiding feelings for risk of conflict. Spoke to Elizabeth about debate + she said he did “great” - gave specific details + said was strong. This makes me incredibly happy. A sense of relief. Called Howard and there was no answer + so left a message. Right now I am just going with the flow... Feeling sad but resigned. I am here + here is where I'm suppose[sic] to be. I am trusting that all will work out... giving it up to God. Missing both at the same time. Feeling that I so badly want to talk to Eric but know that this time + space away is good for me. It's a re-commitment, a refresher to remind myself that I'm not alone. That I don't have to continue living in the obsession. I am most likely going to experience intense cravings in day 5 or 6. But this time I will have a buffer. I won't be able to access + that two week period will be the longest I've gone in awhile. I just mapped out + the results were a little shocking I think the longest period of abstinence has been 10 days. Since basically March. So what is it – it's picking up the first one. Once I do that all is downhill from there!
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.068024447926955 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.21323370578501 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0.16889548959193 |
| Anger | 0.46742256672115 |
| Surprise | 0.48114438720808 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| feel day just time debate feeling period missing god work | |
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