BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-07-30
Today is the day – 101 – that's my plan today. The medication is helping stay positive. Yesterday it was an overwhelming urge in my body. A restlessness so deep. What I realize is that access to any of it – touching the embers – ignites the fire. Once the first spark it's over. The house of recovery is burnt down. So – it's the only way to get rid of all contacts. So I know what I must do. The other reason is finances – down to the wire. It's a good day and I will keep on this journey. What's the difference this time around – new perspective. Wanting to be well. It's that time – and what a wonderful time it is. The day was a wash but I am going to keep staying clean. 1 2 3 4 5 Thur Fri Sat Sun Mon Tues The 5th day is def the worst. So if I calculate this right – the 5th day will be Saturday This weekend, I want to do something that increases my wellness. 1. Foundation #5 1/2 body weight ounces 10 grips 2. Eat breakfast asap 3. Reduce sodium + sugar intake 4. Stress addiction has created Money issues Dodging/having to keep stories Stress Missed appointments Cancelling entire days due to face Cleaning/mess Having to lie/dodge Waiting for it + aftermath → Day to day – am I going to ruin? → Crazed in moment to moment Dissfaction – It's never enough. Always wanting more + panicking when realize it's over. Stealing – no. Starting lying about addiction since age 13 – Blatant – yes! – Always Lied to: mom, dad, Howard, kids/ entire family. Lied to myself Extend is that haven't used or can. Guilty or ashamed – Have to deal with face – Cancelling obligations – Putting self in dangerous situations – Spending $ – Lying about tests (one more time) Worthiness – Yes, not worthy of success or my ideas about future. – Worthy of ♥ – Worthy of a healthy life Fear of being caught? – I should have feared it more Resentful Why God Sarah Bailey Alyson Kelly Hallie Hunter Kathleen Mom Dad Howard Mom Cousins Kids Aunt Erin Guilana Harris Newspaper Taking Beau Body Body Boo Drugs + family Drugs + family meanness + not being aware/ judgemental[sic] Dad $, control Being able to be “normal” Patronizing Copying Mischaracterizing family Relationship w/ dad Andy + coolness Dad comment Debate Spewing garbage Hurt Howard Dad Mom Kids Hunter Beau Friends Motown Athena John Matt Matt Gregory Addiction, lying, leaving Hurting self, lying Lying, not showing up Being absent Not backing him up Not showing up, lying using Not showing up, being absent Jumping Leaving Addiction Cheating/lying Cheating, lying Using, $ Self – Away from love – Weight – Health – Looks – Picking at face – Disappointing + not reliable – let self down, by letting others down – Don't take needed actions to move forward – Financially – Reputation – Ability to participate in life – Lie to self “It will be different this time” – Against value of integrity – Hurting career path Isolated? That's all it did. 3 years it took before went out. – Crazy anxiety. “lost” Not known to self. Disassociated. Constant fear/anxiety Hated/Judged – Breasts – Butt – Body – Face – Dishonesty/not showing up – Not being “worthy” – Don't deserve it – Imposter syndrome Envy Kathleen – entact[sic] family Breasts Good ♥ – couples who have it – Kristi-lyn People doing it – action 1 Alexa – training – wish could be that dedicated Connection/sobriety of others – Courtney People who can use without addiction – Iva Less than – Not in awhile. But used to compare self a lot to others + think most were “better”, “brighter”, “more beautiful” kind of over it. Superior – not really – was a little self-righteous during Hallie + Hunter fiasco Greedy – people have felt used + that only call or want to be with them in order to “use” Needy – latching on to ♥ relationships b/c don't want to be alone Selfish – not thinking how breaks families heart – what I want to do – missing important events – not being caring or present Need to be happy... or least you thought. A loving relationship + family... My brother being alive + family whole again I need to make money Misery – looks “yuck” – Finances! Physical Danger – Drinking when drank[sic] – Bad are as – unknown characters Grief/trauma – Bullying – Dad younger – health – Bus driver – Beau's death – Rape + sexual encounters – Verbal abuse Physically – Not strong + healthy – Skinny – Aging skin – Hair loss – Fatigue + energy loss Emotional – Constant depression + doubt – Beat self up – Always going to be sad – No way out – Self-hatred Disappeared – Entirely – All things social or active – Work + responsibilities – Friendships left bruised Misfortune – Marriage Different – Isolated + alone – connected + in love Active/involved – isolated + not involved in anything Creating/building – hiding + dissolving Family – me, myself, + I Friendships Erica – damaged Work relationships/staff – damaged respect Howard – lost[sic] of trust. Shefon – absent Brother – strangers Sex life good – using/isolated Self – life Justin → not being true to my values.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | -0.0084094168662054 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.31741740330638 |
| Sadness | 0.2 |
| Fear | 0.2 |
| Anger | 0.2 |
| Surprise | 0.27553383236325 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| day self showing time family going worthy lie good action | |
Sentiment Score
Emotion Graph
Word Cloud