BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-07-23
A calmer day. I think the initial shock of my period is now out of my system. The 1 day shit period is over + now it's time to make some improvements to my overall health + wellness. It was a beautiful day + now absolutely pouring – thunderstorm! I got a good night sleep + saw Jody today. Josey cancelled. Mom + dad in a much better space. My heart hurt to see them so upset. My mindset has begun to change in that it's not about beating the drug test or using around it. It's about using the test as an additional safeguard which I am open to – with the understanding that medical grade marijuana might also be in my system. I have to do this not to avoid getting caught or failing but b/c I intrinsically + internally want to get there. I think I'm on my way. Tomorrow's accessibility + set-up allows for me to partake but at what cost to me? What does it do for you? You end up with the following – Red, crusted, + fucked-up NOSE Tired, lethargic, moody, not thinking clearly Unmotivated + sad. Isolated/shame. Why re-create what has been done to you b/c it's the only place that is “known” to me – it's what I've used to cope – I made a promise. A promise to wait to use until next Wednesday and to attend one yoga class b/tw not[sic] + then. It's the habit of it all – my adversion[sic] to authority + finding gaps in order to “trick, foul, or get way”. I think I will continue for my parents sake + see how the next few weeks pan out. But, it would be amazing if you examined your frame or lense[sic] – an outdated lense[sic] that doesn't serve the woman you want to become. The new lense[sic] is that it doesn't work towards your highest good. At @ least right now – is unable to be done with negative consequences to health + living. It pollutes your mind + your body – truly. It can cause damage to so many parts of your beautiful body. I sense a shift and it couldn't come soon enough! I have so badly wanted to quit and I know it's a dangerous disease – but I also know that maybe my path isn't traditional. I by no means mean that I a[sic] “special”, “better”, or “more important”, it just mean[sic] that maybe I try something that resonates w/ me. And this includes – – Short term medication mgmt – Yoga – EMDR for resilience – Long term psycho-tropic – Body work – Moving my body! – Learning – Getting involved in my hood. This is the winning Rx'tion and just must be done. The procrastination is really wearing on me. The imposter syndrome must go. The feeling of not being enough, giving enough, doing enough. Some of that is true – I'm not following thru or getting up despite . But I do know that's directly linked to useage[sic]. The issue is this – Jamey has access + I love the first or second “hit” but it's downhill from there. Stay in today. Stay present.
LinguisticAnalysis
Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
Score | 0.099332754216052 |
Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
Joy | 0.80336334877123 |
Sadness | 0.2 |
Fear | 0 |
Anger | 0.2 |
Surprise | 0 |
Disgust | 0 |
Key Words | |
day body good know term test today following think system |