BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-03-16
I relapsed. Fucking again. Insanity is the definition. Always hoping it will be different + it never is. Stuck in this cycle of “Fuck my face, repeat” It's insanity at it's worst. There is nothing to do anymore other than just stop doing it. It makes no sense. Eats away at my selfesteem + I am isolated for days at a time. I had all these plans for today + finally was feeling good again. But when I feel good is when I'm in danger. The difference this time around was that I told Elizabeth, mom, + dad this morning. Mom + dad worried but incredibly supportive. I am so lucky to have them on my side. They've never given up on me. E has also been so supportive he asked if he could come + stay with me for the next few days – timing is off + not right but a sweet gesture. It's kind of nice to have someone who understands my struggle + who doesn't shame me but rather lifts me up and continues to encourage me. Howard is absolutely seeing someone else he doesn't call, doesn't really care + is pre-occupied[sic] half the time. I guess the same is happening for me + so I can't really make a stink about it – although I am hurt beyond belief. When I think about the fact that he didn't come visit me in treatment, I am actually crushed. He gave up on us the moment I went away + that's just the reality of it all. I miss my doggie – wish she was here with me. I picked + so that doesn't make sense to see him. What a crazy transitional period in my life. I feel so out of sorts. So disconnected from my former life + @ the same time there is a lightness – of doing things differently – finding a new way to live. Making it on my own. Depending on myself for life.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.013570402268116 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.89093544473956 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0.2 |
| Anger | 0.42409726058194 |
| Surprise | 0 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| time life good feel relapse just guess happening really belief | |
Sentiment Score
Emotion Graph
Word Cloud
DiaryEntry
2019-03-16
Feeling stronger + better than I was – yesterday was a doozy. Today I feel slightly anxious and not particularly grounded. There is the voice inside me that wants me to get . . . . but it's never been different. It never works out the way I planned. It's insane and my ability to forget despite negative consequences is what you call addiction. The restlessness is real. The limbo feels super unsettling and I long for peace. Trying to take the vain approach – that it negatively impacts my looks, hair, face, body, and overall health how quickly I forget though + think it would be a good idea. When the consequences cause me so much pain. Angela is in rare form this past week. She has been moody + completely unavailable. I'm just ready to move away from all the drama. Going to spend the next few weeks – two to be exact – getting myself as healthy as possible for my trip down. Starting yoga again on Monday and hope will continue. Hallie + Natalie go to Abu dabi[sic] for the Special Olympics so will be gone the entire week. I think today I will organize my clothes + start sorting it all.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.054703852791667 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0.1244371963562 |
| Anger | 0.090410441401766 |
| Surprise | 0.18035692478884 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| today week consequence feeling healthy form past moody just ready | |
Sentiment Score
Emotion Graph
Word Cloud