BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-02-04
Hunter's Birthday. Yesterday was Beau's Birthday – had a beautiful day @ the beach + in the sun followed by a meeting and blew out a candle after the meditations where I prayed for him. Things with Kevin have been really friendly + stable He actually text me the first time last night to tell me he is glad I had a good day on Beau's Birthday. I have a therapy session with him tomorrow which makes me nervous but think will provide closure for both of us – it's been a rollercoaster[sic] of a ride – I guess tonight I will figure out what I want to ask + what I want to say... He is home today signing papers for his new house. I am staying an extra week + will go home next Monday after group although I don't want to – started hanging out with a new guy, Eric, who has been through a lot and is clean + sober these days. He lives in Florida. And he is so cute... has his own style and swag. It's been refreshing to be able to kiss another man – he is a great kisser. And he is calming + sweet. I can tell we both could fall for one another – And that's a little scary but taking it day by day b/c you never know what the future holds – I'm thinking about a move $ 45,200. down to Florida to get my 6 months under my belt. I could wrap things up @ home + make a move. But I'm going to stay in the present. Stay in today I have a lot of work to do in the next week + am going to focus on getting it done. Babs leaves on Wednesday – I am so grateful for her friendship – she has been my rock + keeps me happy. I'll finish out the week here + then go home – Moving to Florida Pro's 8 Con's 9 Recovery community Weather Time to be w/ people who don't use Away from family drama Space to focus on only me Leaving job Time/space to figure out marriage Sponsor here Away from Athena Away from family Family drama Leaving job Don't move for a man I honestly think he is out of my system – the man who he was – with me – is no longer. Neil had a meltdown + said I was putting others @ risk, was full of shit about my own recovery, and couldn't be in my life anymore – take care. What I realize is that I've been trying to re-create a relationship with my brother that is no longer in existence. I need to confide in women and not men. Started spending time with Eric – I like my time with him. He is easy, fun, smart, sweet + gives attention that I know I need. It's like each relationship get me closer to where I want to be. Showing me more + more of what I want. I won't see him tonight. And that's ok b/c I'm exhausted + I'm sure Neil has also gotten in his ear. Did I mention that Kevin is an after thought? Kevin gave me what I sexually needed but not emotionally. I can see now that he wouldn't provide the love, support, + attention. He doesn't have the empathy needed or the sweet side – I know that Eric does but also know that Eric isn't ready for a relationship + has been known to drift outside. I am not sure what to do with how I am feeling other than focus on myself + let it be. I so wish I could see him tonight – just lay with him but it will be too late + I need to prepare myself for him abruptly walking away –
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.16766458577991 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.65601061327541 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0 |
| Anger | 0 |
| Surprise | 0.11100139494528 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| know day sweet man attention like time focus going lot | |
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