BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-01-31
The last day of February! Thank you Lord Jesus. I am getting better each day + realizing it was the intimate connection that I am grieving + got obsessed with. It's been a long time – but it's not him. He is a sweet guy but I honestly am not that internally attracted to him. He is emotionally immature – aren't we all – but shows me how I don't want to be + what I won't stand for in my life. Today, I feel it isn't necessary to have a convo with him – what's the point? I would rather have the mistake + take the lesson. What did he teach me? – That intimacy is so important to me. – That falling head over heels isn't necessarily healthy – That I choose men who are unavailable to me. He also taught me about my own pathetic/immature/needy behavior that I would like to change. I don't need to be needy. I need to be self-assured + confident that I can + will have what I desire. What do you desire? – Livelihood 2.0 – Financial independence – A brown haired men[sic] who is affectionate, stable, + kind + smart to live my life with – Children – a family of some kind – A happy, adventurous, + passionate life with a happy, adventurous, + passionate partner. When I am certain that I'd rather be alone than with just anyone – I will find him. Or he will find me. You will have all you desire! Trust the process. Trust yourself + your ability to manifest all your dreams. You go[sic] this, Ashley Blazer Biden. Prayer “Please whoever you are → Please keep sober today” “Thank you for keeping me sober pg – Upon awakening + @ down pg. 417 Acceptance Big Book– AA Big Book App – Free Text – Everyday Pro's + Con's Praying to be ok – to love self. Help me love me. Other Assignments – 1. 5 Gratitude each day – nothing can purchase 2. Pro's + Con's list of Kevin 3. Affirmations 4. Set boundaries for me Reason, season, lifetime. Continued Relationship with Kevin Pro's Con's Insane/deep sex Kissing – like smell of breath Wife Child Wife not leaving him Started relationship when in another relationship Get hurt b/c still in relationship Might go back to his wife Daughter resents me Wife causes news storm Not sober + dies Emotionally unavailable Reason for leaving Ices me out – Again. Back + forth – unstable w/ emotions Pro's Con's Not feeling safe anymore Feels guilty – both of us No undying commitment to another Not available to meet my needs Long distance No romance or real intimacy Doesn't know who he is yet. More time focused on something that may go nowhere. What are my Boundaries – 1. Open to seeing/exploring if seperated[sic] 2. Open to intimacy again in future 3. No back + forth with my emotions 4. Needs to be sober to engage 5. Being honest with me about state of affairs – is he really unhappy 6.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.14622439401322 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.78227034454155 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0 |
| Anger | 0 |
| Surprise | 0.068921017557867 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| sober life day relationship open forth intimacy boundary like set | |
Sentiment Score
Emotion Graph
Word Cloud
DiaryEntry
2019-01-31
The last day of January – for some reason the 27th just sticks in my head as being a great day. My ego always in the way I met a woman @ meeting last night + she was holding a baby – 2 months old. She doesn't look like me, don't know how educated, just totally different. Yet she helped me more today than anyone has – maybe I was ready to receive it all. I am so grateful. I feel as if a weight has been lifted. One day @ a time.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.13948370901389 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0 |
| Sadness | 0.10916378567563 |
| Fear | 0.26264362944008 |
| Anger | 0.43914337300531 |
| Surprise | 0 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| day old lift feel ready maybe today different totally know | |
Sentiment Score
Emotion Graph
Word Cloud