BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-01-30
So thankful that January is almost over – ce la vie![sic] 1.27.19 is my date + goddamn it it better be my last. I've had one of my hardest days – my sex drive is out of fucking control. Like literally, I am in heat. I told Kevin the truth about how I was feeling – felt exposed + vulnerable so didn't go to dinner. Needed a break from seeing him. We are supposed to have a therapy session on Monday and I am still unsure of it all. There is a piece of me that wishes I didn't have to do it. But maybe it would be healing and then again maybe it would open up more wounds that will take me longer to adjust + get over with. I am going to give it a few days + see how I feel. I erased his number from my phone – so can't contact him unless he is to contact me which he won't. I think I need to have sex in order to feel good about not having sex + to get it over with. Neil's friend is a sex addict which might work out well. I know it's not the healthies[sic] way to deal with things but @ least it's better than drugs. I am focused on myself + my needs + sex seems – @ least at this moment to be one of them. I don't know if I even need to kiss a guy – just come over + fuck me – sober. I think I'm going to go to the AA meeting tomorrow night. And maybe he will be there? Maybe not. But I have always been boy crazy. I remember pulling up my skirt in 2nd grade and showing the boys my underpants. Hyper-sexualized @ a young age. What is this due to? Was I molested. I think so – I can't remember specifics but I do remember trauma – I remember not liking the Woolzacks house; I remember somewhat being sexualized with Caroline; I remember having sex with friends @ a young age; showers w/ my dad (probably not appropriate); Being turned on when I wasn't suppose[sic] to be. I remember the Q-tips – I hated getting my ears clean; beating my vagina due to overhearing parents having sex; what made me so attached? – My mother not emotionally available – – My father was – message – I could get love from men. – “I'm not your mother” – Blanket being taken away – Not letting myself go to bathroom – Being wiped until too late in the game – – I could list all the reasons – But I can't seem to find the solution.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | -0.03106662274919 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.59678151718082 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0 |
| Anger | 0 |
| Surprise | 0 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| sex young day think know maybe thankful remember molest age | |
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