BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-01-28
I am grateful for another day. I am grateful for my father. I am grateful for the bird that sang outside my window when asked for Beauie. He is here with me. Dear Kevin, When I first met you, I felt an instant yet unattainable attraction. I was also surprised + happy that there was someone my age – from my area - + felt a familiarity. The first week of treatment you were gone and I was focused on myself but in the back of my mind – I wondered when you were coming back. We spent that Friday together + again I felt a mutual attraction – this is where it all began. The text messages – flirtatious in nature – The first night we were going to meet, I didn't call you – and as I was walking home let you know that I didn't think it was a good idea. You were disappointed saying I left you “hanging” + so I gave in + we met. Kissing you for the first time – was magic. I remember thinking that I could just kiss you forever – and one thing led to another and we entangled in each others arms + had mind blowing sex. Towards the end – your wife called and you rushed to kick me out of the car. I smoked a cigarette while you sat in the car talking to her – and I remember thinking this is a disaster. You came out + told me you had to go – could drive me home but I insisted on walking. I cried on my way back – thinking about how incredible an experience but how awful the ending felt. As if I had just been used for sex – a street walker – there was no peace in my heart. A familiar feeling came over me + I vowed to let it be. Eric Dengler You text me how sorry you were for how it went down and asked if you could make it up to me. And so it continued. Your text messages + sentiments became stronger through the next few weeks. My last day with you we/I cried as you held my face + told me that the future was unknown... We made the desicion[sic] to not communicate over the holidays – you wrote me a few mornings later – the 23rd – saying how much you missed me. Said you knew you shouldn't contact me but couldn't help yourself – that you wanted me to know you were sleeping on the couch + I hadn't left your mind. The texts + sexting continued from there – sending each other pictures + making sweet promises. You begged me to see you the wk of the 12th. Saying it would be a “crime” to not see what still existed outside the bubble. I was conflicted – b/c I didn't want to be a mistress + honestly didn't want to be “that” woman to your wife. But I came back to Ocean Drive conflicted + needed to process – both Josey + Randal were out that week + I let it out after being told to “talk about it” - that it would release the power. I became more confused + ashamed of letting our business out in the open. A few days before New Years – you text me @ 5am + began speaking sexually – then ended abruptly + it felt bizarrely familiar again – I felt used + thought it was selfish. I may not have been experiencing a good sex life @ home but I did have a partner who thought about me + my needs before his. I wrote you a text that you should concentrate on being @ home. “How can you see if anything possible with your wife when you sexting me @ 5am?” You asked me to “let you think about it” and hours later said you thought I was right. But that you still wanted to see me on the 12th weekend. Our conversations/contact got more sparce[sic]. I have to admit that although it's what I had said, it wasn't what I wanted. I text you on the 8th/9th to ask about the 12th weekend + you responded that you were conflicted + didn't think it was best. I broke down + numbed my feelings in cocaine. We didn't speak for the next 10/12 days + I grieved what I thought was sycroncity[sic] – the spark I had desired for so long – I was finally coming around to letting it all go with you + then receive a text on Tuesday the 22nd – “You haven't left my mind – I relapsed” I am ok + going to Caron – no needles – my wife is divorcing me. Wish you were here. I'd like to get sober + try with you... but if you don't I'll understand – I guess I wanted this to happen on some level” It was what I was had wished for but no (minus relapse) but didn't think it was possible. On Friday the 25th – you once again went radio silent saying you needed time to figure shit out. I want to make it very clear that I 100% agree that you can only focus on self right now. Your'e[sic] life is @ stake – But for my health + sanity – what am I supposed to do with these emotions? The Rollercoaster[sic] – you telling me that “you were on herion.[sic] + had just been kicked out of your own house” while writing me those intense texts – makes my stomach churn – feeling used. An innocent victim in your twisted/wicked games. So where do we go from here? I have been working on letting go but I don't want to resent you. I am here for sexual trauma + loss – both you have healed + hurt. I have a part in all of this – that is my work. How I let myself get involved with unavailable men who can't give me what I need. Maybe this was a fantasy I created in my head. Maybe you too are like a drug – addicted to the feeling of being “safe” – made by another or the fact that the sex was incredible for the first time – in a long time. Whatever it was – feelings were felt + remain unsettled. I think it is best we talk in person.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.093966429250695 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.56645166726488 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0 |
| Anger | 0.0018747980456853 |
| Surprise | 0.34539047141649 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| text felt day time grateful sex wanted left mind week | |
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