BasicInfo
Please note that every effort has been made to keep all content of the diary entries identical to the original (including things like line breaks). The only modification that has been made is standardization of the dates, since several different formats were used (m.d.y, m/d/y, m-d-y). You may notice that some entries end abruptly or trail off - this is not due to incorrect transcription - feel free to compare to the original pdf copy at bidendiary.com.
DiaryEntry
2019-01-27
Today is the day – a day – to start a new. To start over again... I have been pre-occupied[sic] with thoughts of K. But he is in no position to give me what I need. His life has been turned upside down by not seeing his daughter. And if I care for him despite the fact that he played – unintentionally with my heart – I will let him go. My strategy? He is gay. It broke my heart to see him in this place. I think what keeps coming up for me is my brothers. How I don't have them in my life anymore. I'm looking forward to starting my clinical week. Really diving into therapy and working on the parts of me that need love, support, and tenderness. What does that look like? Well for starters it begins with truly letting go of all expectations. Committing myself to reality @ all costs – knowing this is where I will find ultimate serenity. It involves me engaging actively in the program – with my sponsor. Going to meetings, following the advice of clinical staff, praying, meditation – you did so well training your mind to be quiet. I have to be abstinent. I can't, don't want to, fight this anymore. It involves focusing on all that I need to focus on. It involves being around + being with the people who are available to love me + give me support. It involves true letting go – surrender. Emotionally + spiritually on my knees. It involves doing the work + doing it well. I think my age plays into all of this – 37 + about to turn 38 without children, husband, a clear path forward. Not ready or wanting to let go of the comfortability of Howard. It's the trying to deal with extremes. Do I cut off entirely + not talking – in my mind make it “over”. What is the healthy way to be? It's either all or nothing – how do I cope with the unknown + let it go? Wanting to reach out + share – my life with others. Balance. Walk the line... How do I sort out? What if I know in my gut that it's no longer there? What are the good things? Can you forgive self for engaging? Yes. It happened. Even though I made it happen. What were positive things about it happening? – I like/can feel passion/sex – Attraction is important What is the residual? – Wanting to have sex – To avoid dealing with emotions? Why can't be with him? – Not emotionally available – Dealing with daughter/wife – Dealing with Howard – Emotional immaturity – Unstable downs up's – Letting another person control emotional states – Feels harsh – “all + then nothing @ all” – Rollercoaster[sic] – Not taking care of self. – Giving over my power – He could die – another loss. What can I do to improve? – Not reach out via text and/or phone – Not deliberately try to be around him. – He is dangerous for me right now. – Letting go, + letting God. – Do opposite of instinct Have this bizarre conundrum – life is so short – don't waste it + grab what you want. Go for it. VS. Let time be. Time will heal. Time is on side + only way But What if I don't feel like I have a lot of time? So . . . simplify. – keep it simple. – let go, let god. – Inward focus. – One day, @ a time.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.062074450729845 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.0033310866761919 |
| Sadness | 0.088002013712373 |
| Fear | 0.14126713631164 |
| Anger | 0.59146206482045 |
| Surprise | 0 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| involve letting wanting life focus time feel dealing look reach | |
Sentiment Score
Emotion Graph
Word Cloud
DiaryEntry
2019-01-27
It's been a strange weekend what I feel in my gut is that it's over – @ least for now + probably a long time. What I know now is that he is hurting, doesn't respect my mind enough, think I have anything to offer, thinking I am obsessive (I am); compulsive (I am); and clingy. But those are only parts of me – only parts of the disease. As a service, I need to let go – for him. And I am – but I still want to be his friend. Although is that possible? Is it possible to just be a friend? Time will tell. I am feeling stronger by the day + really trying to keep the focus on me + have faith. Real faith. That things will work out + be/I will live a life beyond my wildest dreams. I will for now, use the fellowship as my higher power. I am going to do 90 in 90. Will make the 7am meeting tomorrow @ crossroads and have a full day of therapy + focus. I get a massage tomorrow too. I think he is rather immature – he gets uncomfortable being around me and I hate that. His entire disposition has changed – and he did say that it won't be like that forever. But the guy who I thought I was falling for is no longer here. It's just not him anymore. I want sobriety at all costs – I am willing to go to any lengths to get it. I want a miraculous life – filled with things, people, + places I love. A few things that were said in meeting that resonated with me – 1. Accept your[sic] powerless – over situations. The more I try to hold on, the more I will lose. 2. Align values + virtues with who you are – in all that you do. What do I value – 1. Integrity 2. Honesty 3. Passion 4. Kindness – random too. 5. Respect 6. Love 7. Family 8. Humor/fun 9. Compassion 10. Justice/equity/equality I do value myself. I value the woman I am. But I'm not honoring her. I also think that we won't end up being together – I have no more illusions. Things that really make me wonder/quiver – and I saw it the first night I was with him. When he kicked me out of the car + left me to walk home. 1. Doesn't give a damn really – super self-centered. 2. Never asks about you or follows up on anything – can't be bothered. 3. Constantly spilling – could be something else thought so not trying to be judgemental[sic] 4. His looks sometimes make me uncomfortable Bottom line: I don't think he was who I thought he was. What I focus on grows – So that's all I am going to say for now. – I have to get up early for meeting – 90 in 90.
LinguisticAnalysis
| Sentiment (-1=negative, 1=positive) | |
| Score | 0.058583621848095 |
| Emotion Scores (0-1) | |
| Joy | 0.30847920303692 |
| Sadness | 0 |
| Fear | 0 |
| Anger | 0 |
| Surprise | 0 |
| Disgust | 0 |
| Key Words | |
| think thought focus value just time really part thing values | |
Sentiment Score
Emotion Graph
Word Cloud